Archive | June, 2011

The internet is a scary place…

12 Jun

I’m still on a bit of a quest to find a good date for the dinner in the dark challenge, and thinking of suitable dates has got me mulling over the whole internet dating thing. I know some people swear by it and lots of my friends say it would be a great thing for me to do but I’m not sure….not yet anyway.

I mean really, is internet dating a good place to meet people and broaden your horizons or simply a buffet table of leftovers that no one else really fancies a nibble of…..

I did actually try it years ago, about 6 years ago to be exact and it’s a whole minefield of obstacles. Setting aside the weirdos and serial shaggers who just use these sites to pray on hopeful young ladies, it is a seriously complicated business. Every sentence you write, every image you post is viewed and judged by a total stranger – and then selected or rejected accordingly. Romantic, it isn’t

First up the profile. This should come very naturally to me, being as I waffle on about myself on a pretty regular basis…but even thinking about this brings me out in a cold sweat. It’s the pressure of the whole thing. You basically have to write something amazing, something witty and wonderful that will hopefully attract a hunky chunk of blue Stilton and not the placid, slightly sweaty piece of pork pie no one wants. You still with me or has this buffet metaphor just totally gone off?!

Ok so the profile. I’ve done a little investigating and I think there are basically two types of profile writers. Those that tell the truth and hope to be loved regardless and those that lie. Big fat, huge in your face lies.

I’d like to think I’d be the first kind of dater, honest and to the point. I mean what chance do you have of meeting someone lovely if you start off fibbing about yourself?!  Ok so just to have a bit of a practice, here’s how my honest profile write up could sound…..

Blonde, 31-year-old, ZomersetGirl, recovering from total heart-break but still a hopeless romantic. Clinging to the idea that Mr right is out there somewhere. (He’s just really good at hiding….a lot.) Slightly obsessed with cheese, dogs, Wham!, Topshop and achieving the perfect size ten body – which is in total conflict with my ass and boobs which defiantly want to stay at a size 12 regardless of what I do! Sometimes feisty, occasionally bossy, known to suffer from bursts of road rage coupled with an ongoing need to drive over the speed limit. A sort of fair weathered passion for running and Pilates but would much rather be tucking into some chocolate, whilst watching a cheesy film and sipping on a cup of tea. A true bumpkin at heart I secretly yearn to head back to Zomerset, make jam, have lots of babies and bake cakes for the local fete – although really I’m a total contradiction as I’m sure I’d be bored in a week, start drinking in the afternoon and plotting a return to the big smoke. Interests include drinking too much red wine, spending far too much money on the latest shampoo, lipstick, mascara, wonder cream going, dancing to cheesy songs, singing in my car, seeing my friends for more drinking/dancing, eating out and shopping. I should say art galleries and the like but the last time I was in a gallery it was during a hen-do when we took to the bar for some posh cocktails?! Looking for someone who thinks I’m funny, who can make me laugh, who’s passionate, not dull, loyal and just a bit brilliant. Oh and if he could be ever so slightly gorgeous too that would be a bonus….

Hmmmm….too much honesty. Maybe just a tad.

Ok so option 2, exaggerating/twisting the truth just a little bit…I could do that….

Blonde city girl with a country heart, T-total, amazing skier/horse rider, into literature, the arts and the latest pop up/underground art scene. An avid keep fit junkie, yoga and Pilates are a must, along with my daily cycle into work and the weekend salsa classes. I speak several languages, have traveled the world and absorb culture wherever I go. I can cook up a storm and count Jamie Oliver as a close personal friend. Politics and poetry are my two passions, and I’m actually in the process of publishing a collective work of poems based around the Blair/Brown relationship…..

Too much??

Doesn’t it all seem that rather a lot of work?!! I mean really, can’t I just wait for a movie moment to come along and Mr Wonderful to bump into my life….


The challenge begins!!

5 Jun

Hmmm….. Ok well the votes are in, they have been counted and verified and I can now reveal that the first challenge of the Seven Day Itch is……….Dans Le noir!!!

So that’s it folks, I will shortly be taking myself off to have some dinner… total darkness. I imagine it’ll be a pretty messy affair, random and hopefully a whole heap of fun, with large a side portion of stupidness.

But before I take myself off to cover my face in food I have to find a dinner date……which could in fact be more tricky than actually eating in the dark?!

Who to ask??? I haven’t actually been on a date, date, for a really long time. Not a proper girl and boy type real date. One that starts sober….you know.

I could ask one of my best friends and I know they’d happily throw themselves into the challenge of face food, but I think that would be cheating. Nope I need to find a date. A proper boy to chat to, giggle with, flirt with a bit and generally just make things just a bit more interesting.

But where can I find this Mr Darcy look-a-like who’s charm, wit and ability to coordinate cutlery in the pitch black would make him the perfect match for the challenge???…..Answers on a post card please….

So while I mull that over let me recount one of the pther first experiences I’ve had recently – all in the name of the Seven Day Itch.

What new, crazy thing have I tried……non other than a fish pedicure. Yeap you heard me, a fish pedicure. This isn’t some magic new foot cream made from fishy bits (which actually sounds gross!) nope it’s a new beauty thing whereby you stick your feet into a tank of fish while they munch away at your dead foot skin.

It is sooooo gross when you actually think about it….. Fish are going to eat at your skin….nibble away at all the yummy bits of dry skin from your feet……seriously…..I’m going to pause here while I throw up a bit….feel free to join me.


But I did it. Oh yes. Along with about 10 other people during my friends Hen do we did it. We took over this gorgeous little spa in Soho, popped some bubbly (trust me, you wouldn’t want to do this sober), got our feet cleaned by a rather hunky man (possibly the best bit of the experience) and then took our seats.

Fishy HQ - Soho

In front of each of us was a mini fish tank, teeming with loads of little fish, just swimming around presumably waiting for some tasty toes to get into the water.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I find fish a little freaky. Always have. I dream about them all the time, weird being eaten alive by fish type dreams so the thought of actually putting two of my limbs into a tank of fish that are absolutely going to eat you…..well it’s  a lot to get your head round. Pass the bubbly please!

It is such a bizarre experience to lower your feet into a take of fish and feel the feeding frenzy begin. Because that’s what it is – a feeding frenzy. The fish go absolutely crazy, swimming around your feet, trying to get in between your toes, up your ankle – it’s actually quite horrible. The feeling is like small electric shocks as they nibble away. It’s so, so ticklish I can’t even tell you.

Here fishy, fishy

And so as soon as I took the plunge, and the feeding fenzy started, so did the squealing. That’s the only word I can use to describe the sound that I made. It was a high pitched gasping sort of squeal. And once I started I couldn’t stop. And I wasn’t alone, all ten of us were squealing, gasping, swearing and generally giggling our heads off.  The staff loved us!

The squealing begins!

Still squealing....

And as if the whole thing wasn’t weird enough the spa served snacks. Yes snacks?! So while the fish were getting their feed you could tuck into something too……I am not kidding when I tell you that the lady next to us was eating chips. Now think about that for a moment……she was eating chips……while fish ate her….fish & chips….well, it took on a whole new meaning for me ?!!!

So fish pedicure. It is just a really, weird experience. But so bloody funny.

Would I do it again? Nope I don’t think so but I’d absolutely say it’s something you have to experience. And the results….well lets just say those fish are clever little buggers, my feet have never been smoother.

Again…..SOOOO GROSS!!!

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